Megan-ology

Hee hee hee, yay! Maybe, just maybe... ya never know.

P.S. Seriously guys, what the hell does "One True Parent" mean? Wikipedia doesn't know!

Yes, some things are bothering me.

First is my Oedipal complex. Let me make one thing quite clear: I am not in love with my father. Yuckers.
I am in love with John Denver, whom I associate with my father. I associate John Denver with my real father, yes, but also with the concept of my father. By concept, I don't mean the concept of the man, John Depew, who is my father, but with the concept of what the word "daddy" means to me... if that makes sense. If not, fuck yourselves. I mean that with love.
Anyway, I associate John Denver with my father because I grew up listening to his voice. Because my father and he share so many ideals, and because John Denver can comfort and cheer me up no matter the situation. I run to him for a save haven.
I am also in love with him. I've come to the conclusion that I need to marry a man who is like him. Someone who is in love with love and who cares passionately about helping the other people of this world. An environmentalist, and a genuinely good human being.
The problem is, I did not know John Denver in real life. I am not certain of the man he really was to those who knew him. I think I know what he was like, but I can't be completely certain.
I might be in love with a concept that does not actually exist. I might be waiting my whole life for someone who will never come. I might be hoping for too much. I don't like where this is leading.

Relationships in general have been bugging me. I've been single since August, mostly by choice. I just haven't had any feelings for anyone. I'm worried I'm setting my standards too high.

Having said that, there's a reason my standards are so high. I've had it with being hurt. I'm done giving my time, love, and affection to those who do not return it and do not deserve it. I've been stupid in the past. I didn't realize that not every guy would treat me the way Robbie did. Yes, Robbie and I did not work out, but he loved me more than I could have ever hoped for. He loved me in a way I fear I'll never be loved again.

At least I know one thing for certain: if I'm ever to move on, I need to remember the lessons, not the experiences. The lessons help one grow while the memory of the experiences only cause one continuous pain. Thank God I will shortly be far removed from the memories.

You.
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.

1. Where is your cell phone? hip
2. Describe your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/lover? nonexistent
3. Your hair? unruly
4. Your mother? nurturing
5. Your father? historian
6. Your favourite item? books
7. Your dream last night? playful
8. Your favorite drink? cellier
9. Your dream car? monticarlo
10. The room you are in? TARDIS
11. Your ex? loud
12. Your fear? failure
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? happy
14. Who did you hang out with last night? Caitlin
15. What you're not? God
16. Your best feature? hands
17. Your worst feature? Scoliosis
18. LJ friend you got this from? Carrie!
19. The last thing you did? smile
20. What are you wearing? glasses
21. Your favourite book? HP
22. The last thing you ate? apple
23. Your life? confused
24. Your mood? content
25. Your friends? wonderful
26. What are you thinking about right now? water
27. Your car? unborn
28. What are you doing at the moment? aim
29. Your summer? here
30. Your relationship status? single
31. What is on your tv? remote
32. When is the last time you laughed? dancing
33. Last time you cried? Kiwi
34. School? busy

That was odd, but fun.

If I subsribed to astrological signs and other such personality determiners, I have always been something fiery. My sign is a fire sign from every direction, and I must admit that it describes me aptly. So, why do I have an obsession with water? I have this insatiable desire to be and live near water. The thought of living somewhere in the middle of the country makes me unbelievably nervous because it is too far from the water. I have always loved to swim. I feel the happiest and most calm when I am in or near water, despite almost drowning several times in my younger days. Maybe the water thing is just my yearning for balance?

I don't subsribe to the spiritual aspects of Feng Shui, but I must admit, it is cool.

Doctor Who is coming to BBC One March 31st!!! (As you can tell from my cool icon, done by paintedxlie). Yay for more David Tennant!

In other news, I will be getting the first draft of my thesis back on Wednesday. Professor Moore said he was impressed with it, but I am still worried I will have to completely rip the thing apart. He might have said it was impressive so I would not be discouraged by the massive amount of red ink and illegible writing I will undoubtedly find on it. *Sigh* oh well.

I have several ideas for Red Nose Day skits, which I am rather excited about. One is derived from this amazing spoof of Doctor Who and Monty Python on youtube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfNfDiqAF9Q you should watch. My idea was for the Beauxbatons school to meet the Hogwarts crew and speak with the french accents of the rude french knights from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. "I fart butterflies in your general direction!" "You don't frighten us, English pig-dog" Eh, just a thought.

Here's Meafan's abridged life recently:

1. I graduate in May but will be taking a class as a non-degree student in the summer, so I will be here at least till July. Why am I taking the class? For the sheer joy of knowledge.

2. I am able to graduate without the class because I picked up an internship for the AG department working on nutrition fact sheets for adult health classes. Oh yes, I am making a difference.

3. In a severe lapse of judgment, Town&Gown magazine has decided they want me to do freelance writing for them. Wtf?

4. I am going to be competing in a ballroom dance competition here on April 28th. Mark your calendars to come laugh at me.

5. My ballroom dance partner has mono, of course.

6. I am meeting with an expert of chilrdren's literature tomorrow to try and convince him to be the second reader for my thesis. I hope he says yes. Furthermore, I hope I can find his office amongst the catacombs of the library.

7. I really want a new computer. My current computer hates me. Yes, computer, I mean you. Well if you'd stop overheating and shutting off we wouldn't have this problem. Don't give me that look.

I seriously just watched sooo much TV! It was intense. I think I watched three hours of TLC tonight and an hour or so of Whose Line is it Anyway? last night. I haven't done that in a while. Speaking of TV, though, there is a Doctor Who marathon on either SciFi or BBC tomorrow. You should check it out. If not, you should come watch it with me sometime (I own the first season).

So, it looks like I have an internship for this semester/summer. To be honest, I don't think the lady really realized how things work with internships, but that's okay, because I sort of know. At least, I know how to possibly manipulate the system. The good news is that I might be able to graduate in the spring after all. For those of you who didn't know, I was totally wigging out about ENGL 418 and it looks like I will have to drop the class or jeopardize my GPA to an unthinkable degree. I can take the class this summer, but that would mean no graduation till August, which would mean the parents are pissed at me. Since my brother got kicked out of Notre Dame, I have been been under a lot of pressure to not fuck up. I know staying for the summer session for one measely class after my senior doesn't really seem like fucking up to normal people, but we're not normal people. Anyway, back on target. The internship would bring me up to 124 or 125 credits, replacing the three credits I would have lost with ENGL 418. However, I still want to take the class, so I am going to talk to my professor about possibly graduating in the spring but still taking the class as a non-degree student in the summer. I am not certain of the logistics of something like that, but if it could save my sorry ass, I am all for it.

So it looks like I will almost definitely be staying in State College for the summer. There will be brief interludes where I will have to disappear for Siobhan's wedding stuff, and then John the Mango wants to drag us all to England, but I will spend the majority of my time in SC. After that? God only knows.

All I know is that I needed a miracle and I very well may have gotten one. This is why I believe in God... he saves my sorry ass! :)

Thesis update: it's sort of happening... and by sort of I mean I almost have the rough draft completely done, but it sucks balls. Thank goodness I get two more drafts to unfuck it ^_^

So I am the kind of person who can feel like crap all day and then get up in the afternoon and feel better. As a result, I am making dinner at 11:00 PM and will most likely be working until the wee hours of the morning. Wtf, mate?

I am hoping to get a movie night started once a week. This week we hope to have it on Thursday (after wings, Carrie insists), and we will be watching Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead. If you want to come, COME! We want you there. It'll be in Simmons, hopefully, at a to-be-determined time. IM me for details.

Speaking of IMs, I think I need a new s/n. As much as I love jitterbugcgp, I've had it since high school, and it might be the time for change. I want to incorporate my new nickname (thank you, Penn Stater), but the only thing I could come up with was MuchAdoAboutMeafan. Clearly, this is too long. Any suggestions?

In conclusion, I would like to quote John the Mango: "To be or not to be? To be is to do. Do be do be do."

I feel the need to write, though I hardly know what to say. I guess I know a few things:

1. My friends are wonderful, and I am so blessed to know them.
2. My friends are hurting and I don't know what to do.
3. I have been blind and selfish.

Yeah, I think this needs explanation. Wednesday was Valentine's Day, as we all know. In an effort to take the edge off, I organized a "Yay for being single" celebration for my friends who are single or unable to be with their significant others that day. I thought it would be a good way to appreciate and enjoy the great friendships we have. About nine of us went, and it was a great success. We went to the diner where the gentleman treated the ladies (which I thought was quite generous) and then went back to John's room to watch Love Actually. Several of us decided to stay in Simmons for the night, and I was grateful to not have to go home. All in all, I felt quite elated the next day.

Then the pain that others were going through was brought back to my attention. I felt selfish and stupid. I felt so wrapped up in my cheerfulness that I forgot everyone else. So now, I feel a few things:

1. Blind
2. Guilty
3. Helpless
4. Sad

I feel blind for allowing myself to forget my friends' feelings because of a good night. I feel guilty for thinking about how happy I was and ignoring them. I feel helpless for not being able to make things better and I am sad because they are sad.

Truth be told, it had been a long time since I had felt as happy as I did on Wednesday. I felt like I had brightened everyone's day a little bit and I had so much fun. It was good to feel happy after the difficult times I've gone through. But then, who got me through those times? My friends. They helped me then and they are suffering now. I wish I could fix things! I wish there were more I could do for everyone. The only thing I feel I can do is to not let my selfishness take over again.

So, I decided to check out and reevaluate THON this weekend. Yah, I know, that was a "wtf" statement. But hey, the bottom line is that THON is truly a selfless, giving act. I was so turned off by the hype and competition freshman year, that I have been bashing it ever since. If this week showed me anything, it showed me how truly wrong I can be. I want to see things differently now. I want to look on things without judgment or bias. I want to somehow atone.

My greatest ambition in life is to help others. I became a tutor to help others with what I am gifted in. I try to lend a hand or a shoulder to cry on to my acquaintances, even those I don't know very well. I want to go to Africa and South America to give of myself to those who have so little. Right now, I just want to be there for my friends.

Like I said, I hardly know what to say, let alone do. All I can say is, I am always here for you if you need me. :)

I don't feel like working right now. So, in order to procrastinate, I am going to gripe about the apartment.

1. Its nice and warm in the living room, but freezing cold by my desk! The damned window is right next to me, and I can't work without 8 layers of clothes on.

2. We need some kind of nightlight for the kitchen. Every time I walk into the kitchen/living room/dining room area I trip over the bar stools because it's pitch black.

3. I just went the kitchen to get Tim's postcard from Greece. I came back with a snack but no postcard. I know that's not the apartment's fault, but it pissed me off anyway.

4. The TV shelf is too far away from the couch. Rearranging the furniture would only cause chaos.

5. The heater is so loud that when it comes on you can't hear the person you're talking to.

6. Same thing with the washer and dryer.

7. It's too damned cold out. Again, not the apartment's fault, but it should do something about it anyway. Why the apartment? Because it's bigger than me!

8. My room is messy. That's my fault, though, so I think I will do something about it.

P.S. Yule Ball is Saturday! Apparently if I can distract Craig from talking about video games for a few solid minutes, he won't talk about them for the entire night. Think I can do it?

This weekend I was supposed to go home for Mark's party. I was bummed that I didn't get to go, not only because it would've been fun, but because I miss the peeps. Yes, I miss Mark...ish. I needed the library to thesis myself. That's what happens when you blow a hole in your own thesis... you need to patch it up. Damn you, JKR!

Despite all that, I was hoping to get some fun in and break from work. Friday I did a lot of work in the afternoon and my brain ceased to function by the time it was ready to go to fencing. The physical activity did me good. I left fencing early to go to Argentine Tango. Because I will be missing several ballroom dance lessons, I have to make up for it by attending other lessons. It was fine by me because I really love dancing. I met up with a guy from class and we tango-ed... sort of. After the lesson it was like 8:45 and I was hungry and didn't feel like going home to work more (I know, it was irresponsible, but I doubt I would've accomplished much). Instead, Tim, the guy from class, and I got food and talked till about 11:00, when we happened upon Jeannette working in the hub. We were quickly joined by Carrie and April who persuaded me to come to Broomball and then sledding. I had not really hung out with the bucket too recently, and I really really missed them. I was excited to accept the offer. I figured it would be some harmless recreation.

Broomball might have been the most awesome experience ever. For years, I have been afraid of broomball. I avoided it. Friday I decided to gather courage and play. For the ten minutes I was out there, it was awesome. Then I got whacked in the face with a broom. In a way, I felt priveleged. For some reason I remember Matt Gardner's face right in front of mine saying "Are you okay, are you okay?" My reply: "I think I'm fine... my nose is running." Of course, it was running red stuff. I decided to exit for the bathroom with dignity to quell my bloody nose and get back in the game. This was, however, not to be. I realized it was bleeding pretty badly, so I called some girls for assistance. I had no idea who followed me, but I remember Dani, Caitlin, Jenn, and Meredith, the poor girl who snitch-slapped, me being there (snitch-slap © Megan, def: when one is bitch-slapped in a game using brooms. I know it's cheesy, deal with it). They handed me paper towels to stop the endless flow of blood, but to no avail. It had been a very long time since I had a bloody nose, so I didn't remember what to do. When I removed a paper towel once and quite literally a faucet (yes, faucet) of blood ran from my nose, I got a bit scared and called for John. JOHN TO THE RESCUE! Poor John arrived at broomball literally three minutes before I got hit. He had an ambulance shift at 7:00 the next morning, and spent the rest of the night in the bathroom with me. He whipped out the latex gloves and pinched my nose shut for ten minutes. The bleeding slowed drastically, so then he got some bleach and proceeded to clean all my blood off the sink (what a guy). I tried to clean the blood off my shirt, but then the blood started gushing out my nose again and John held my nose for another ten minutes, this time without gloves, which is fine b/c my blood has nothing yucky in it. Jenn cleaned the blood from my shirt (yay) and Caitlin kept getting me paper towels for my nose. Meredith was in there apologizing and offering make-up to cover any bruising. She was so sweet. I felt so bad that I made everyone miss the rest of the game, particularly Meredith b/c she didn't know me and felt so guilty, and John b/c I made him work :(. Despite the pain, blood, and the fact that my nose may now be broken, I am glad it happened. It was a great story and it showed me how wonderful my friends are. I love you, guys.

After 45 minutes, my nose stopped bleeding and we went sledding. To do this, we scaled two padlocked fences to get to the BJC. Once there, we went down the hill on stolen dining hall trays until Tom and Jeannette arrived with the real sleds. We had a blast. Even the random drunk guy who joined us seemed to have fun. I think the quote of the night for me was "I love us so much."

So yeah, Friday night was a blast. When I got home I was worried I had a concussion, so I stayed awake doing thesis work till about 8:00 AM Saturday. I felt strangely akin to Harry ending up in the hospital after a quidditch wound, so it wasn't too hard to get into. Yay academia!

Last night I got a bit more quality bucket time in, and this morning I got to go to church. It was a pretty satisfying weekend. I got loads of work done (though I still feel behind) and had loads of fun. And a broken nose. It's okay, life is something you experience. You take the good with the bad, and sometimes the bad turns out to be the good.

Other than that, I feel the need to carry John around on my back to his classes. I know that's probably not a good idea, but I still have a weird urge. Maybe I'll just get him a present. ^^

I am bloody brilliant! I have cracked the secret code between Julia Kristeva and Jane Eyre. I have seen what has not yet been seen by literary scholars... at least, as far as I know.

And yet, I am still doing my thesis on Harry Potter ^^